Its official

the only thing that makes me happy is to listen to SW and The Dreaming =p (since i obviously have nothing else)

Id give up anything to meet them



The Rasmus have potential but nothing as beautiful as SW and The Dreaming

I will not be posting for awhile most likely because quite honestly im doing very shitty, im at a high point and nothings helping it either. Im worse by the day and actually posting my feelings on here relieve me i cant do it anymore.

Ill post after saturday

I reading the dreaming forum and someone posted "Happiness is a mindset. Just like depression. You can make yourself believe you are happy just as easily as you can make yourself believe you are depressed. This is what I have learned through my "darkest days". Why live a sad empty life when there is so much more to live for than to love? I may not be Christopher Hall and I may not be a super cool important "rockstar" or anything and I may not be very experienced in the love area, but I have fallen in love before, I have lost a loved one before, and I have whored myself before in order to fill that empty hole inside of me. News flash--nobody can fill that hole. Nobody has to fill that hole. You fill that hole yourself by learning to let go of the misery and find better ways to enjoy life than to sit around waiting for something/someone to save you. People don't do it for you. People don't make you happy for you. That is something we have to rely on ourselves for."

and

"Up until about a week ago I had a girlfriend for years. My life with her was perfect and we had plans that went far beyond the day we died together. A week ago she flat out told me it's over. I was so upset and confused that I kept trying to get her back, but finally she said she liked a friend of mine. Years of my life up until then, and all the years that follow today seem lost. Finally I can totally relate to every word Chris has written, and it helps beyond anything I could ever say that I've had his music. Without it, I'm not entirely sure I'd be posting this right now. I'm sure none of you wanted to hear my story but I felt I had to let Chris know, if indeed he does read this, that I couldn't be fighting through this right now without his music. It's a means of coping until I can find myself again, so from the bottom of my heart...thank you Chris. "

And it got me thinking... Im not going to school because i need to think.. a lot.. I love alley more than anything and she told me she loved me too, i believed she loved me, i felt loved, i fell asleep knowing i was loved but i ... i dont know really... The person i love is the person i hate and is the person whos made me feel like i never have before... from the great to now which is... fucking bad. She likes someone else, and you dont just like someone overnight.. This had to go on for awhile so ive been lied to. Im not going to let someone who lied to me about the greatest thing to me get to me like this. I wont get her back, she doesnt love me and i dont even know is she ever loved me. I wont know. All i know is i have my friends that care, and that being proved since this happen unlike "alley loving me", i have my parents that do love me a lot even though my dad is in korea.. my mom tries but i cant and wont talk to her and she does some pretty dumb shit that pisses me off beyond belief to the point where i wanted to cause damage to myself really badly today and i was about to but ... i dont know, i just knew better.. Alley already proved her lack of love she had for me if any at all by it being 1 week and god knows what the fuck shes doing over there.. I dont want to know, i just know of jacob.. He can fucking die and burn in hell like the rest of the mother fuckers but whatever.. Anyways feelings like that are what i need to get rid off.. All i can do is block out Alley and anything related to her.. I havent been anything myself.. My only thoughts are ways to destory myself and dont bother talking to me about it, im not an idiot and i wont be doing anything but they are my thoughts. I was with alley for 9 months and although it wasnt years, the feeling i had for her felt like i loved her for that long. Guess it was a 1 way thing. I feel like ill never be able to love again, maybe i wont for a really long time. She isnt having this problem but im the fucked one so who cares. Im just going on and on here... Anyways its just funny how 1 week someone says they love you and you feel it but a week later they dont love you at all... Im going to try and go through my "darkest days" as well (heh).

ACF (Right Click - Save as)
You are all I am, you are all I ever want to be
I think of you
A solitary cry echoes through my throat and through my mind
I think of you
I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming
For hours I'll just stare at my ceiling at nothing at all
and think of you
The candlelight through bells make shadows just like rosees in my mind
and I think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again

Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Could this last forever?
Or will I die?
Just can I die?

Maybe I could try to take a bath and drink a little wine
and think of you
But probably I'll lie naked on the floor by candlelight
and I'll think of you

I think I woke up screaming
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again
I had a dream that you still loved me
I think I woke up screaming again
I think I woke up
Screaming again


Im done... Josh in which he hasnt been in a long time... out

You told me that you loved me
You swore that you loved me
And I believed, now I know it was a lie

god damnit

i fell sleep 5 hours

thats almost double what i sleep at night now =p I seriously need some sleep but i cant get any.. lol im so fucked up, whatever

....
omfg

Aguilar isnt a total asshole after all!!

I skipped last Alg 2 class when i was breaking down to talk to brandt, doms mom and andrea and today in class aguilar was like "So josh where were you last time? Did you just decide to go off and talk to whomever?" Something like that but anyways i said i was talking to brandt and he said "Unless its Mr. Amond, Halfaker, Kennedy it isnt important and its not an excuse." and he was going to give me zeros for the homework n stuff but during the class he noticed i wasnt my usual dumbass self so he asked me what was wrong after the bell rang and i told him i just had personal issues and really needed to talk to a few people. Then he said "You should of told me in the morning, do that next time if it happens" and he extended my homework time to turn it in! ^_^ i have some respect for him now~

I feel like shit still but anyways i got my new guitar amp!!!! Cyber Champ.. its so damn awesome omg~ i loved it the second i turned it on and bose headphones~ My mom tried to bribe my happiness but since music is my second love and those deal with it.. Im happier :) <-- ( thats a pretty spoiled thing i just said lol~)





And now since i learned how to use my pedal after it took forever... Now the amp.. Im so confused lol, im trying to get a clean normal sound but dont know how. So i use an amp model it has of this 65 fender preston amp.. OMG it sounds so good. IT better for 450$ ~

And i found my camera ~

Jade couldnt make it.. problems at the house with her aunt.. I wanted her to come but she was really upset and crying a lot and she just couldnt go. Didnt watch Kill Bill because of it, wanted to wait.

Andrea is punished.. I hope she wont be for the weekend. She gets punished for some stupid reasons.. kinda like jake does

Jade, Mike and Chad came... I got Jason, Siobhan and Jake aswell.. Had a fun time.. Ate korean food. Jade played some DDR cept 1 of the arrows on the pad is broken. Jade and I sang on the karaoke machine together, that was fun and after she left me and jason jammed together.. That was cool!! He catches on really quick. I was playing Coma White, Just like you and Everything I Touch and he cought on within a minutes.. If that.. So thats kick arse.

Tomorrow i got guitar lessons, i want to quit but its good to know music theory... After that Me, my mom, mike and Jade are going to see Kill Bill vol. 2. I had aguilar work.. but... w/e

And no pictures... I dont know where my digital camera is... When i find it, ill get back into taking photos more

The Dreaming Rocks~

Let it Burn (Right Click - Save as)

All my memories
Of a life forgotten
The pictures, the letters that we wrote
Are hidden in the dark
Locked away forever
Buried in a shoebox labled burn

Let It Burn
Burn Away The Memories
Let It Burn
Burn Away The Pain
Let It Burn
Until There's Nothing Left But Ashes
Let It Burn
And The Ashes Blow Away
Let It Burn

Some nights when it rains
I dig up your old pictures
And dance with memories sour now with age
I wish I could let go
Just walk out of this prison
This shrine that I have built around my pain

Let It Burn
Burn Away The Memories
Let It Burn
Burn Away The Pain
Let It Burn
Until There's Nothing Left But Ashes
Let It Burn
And The Ashes Blow Away
Let It Burn

I can not be free
Until there's nothing left but ashes
Of my shoe box labled burn

Let It Burn
Burn Away The Memories
Let It Burn
Burn Away The Pain
Let It Burn
Until There's Nothing Left But Ashes
Let It Burn
And The Ashes Blow Away
Let It Burn

How appropiate too

Went to Dolphin with Andrea, Cari and Becca today... Needed to get out the house and had a good time. Andreas mom got lost getting to my house to pick her up so she got in trouble i think (eek). Got a letter from alley.. dont want to read it now, maybe some other time.

Replaced
Confusion
Doubt
Hope

I cant pretend, i just cant do it.

It hurts

Does having something we wanted make it not as special after time passes by with it? Do we constantly seek fresh things to excite us? Why cant we live with a single thing and not replace them constantly? I really dont know... I suppose we are like that... As children we constantly want new toys to replace the ones we get bored of and then that cycle repeats itself, but when the threat of losing a past toy comes we fear it. We dont think about the older things until the chance of them disappearing. Can this be with other things other than toys? Houses, furniture, accessories and everything else that we want to replace. Maybe this trait follows us when we grow up and transfer into other emotions. How come we cant be completely happy when having something gained that we wanted and love it so dearly.

Fear... the only time we put things into deeper thoughts

Maybe im just babbling on, maybe im confused, maybe im scared... Sometimes i wish i would never wake up and stay into the dream world of which images and memories come to me of the great times... The great times i wish would never go away... I want to make more moments in which i would someday dream about and remember it as one of those great times... What would i need though... An object, a friend, a loved one... Perhaps all of them but i have not had all of those my entire life, why is it when i have everything i could ask for, everything i could possibly dream for not give me complete happiness... How can everything i ever wanted in which i believed would give me joy that would never end. Even though i have that joy now... That happiness.. Those feelings i never knew existed... The things i wish i had when i saw other people that it doesnt complete my life entirely. Perhaps theres something missing but i know of nothing missing, i have everything that should make me the happiest person to walk the earth. If this is all that there is how come nobody can be complete. Theres been times in the past where ive been happy but not... well happy... And if i had the choice i would not go back in time to those moments... But if i was happy why wouldnt I... I did not have the thing that did not complete me. Im scared, engulfed in fear, wondering what the next minute will show me...

If we have everything we want, everything we dreamed of to make us happy and it actually does then why dont we feel content.. Why is there a feeling of something missing when there isnt anything missing... The only thing that that fits into the thing thats missing is fear. I suppose i have it all.

Joshsc.2ya.com is back up!!! Thanks to Brandt for being the new host.

A lot of you wondered what happened, and well it all started with Kris being banned from the PC support office and him wanting to come back in. So Brandt wanted our opinions by putting a thread on a forumn asking our opinions.. Sadly Stephen and I are the only ones that seem to voice our opinions. Stephens was an all out NO, and i posted my opinion. My post was not against kris but it wasnt for him, it was just my problems with him that he needed to fix. Those problems were his arrogance and him being so stubborn, he would constantly say offensive things and bring up arguments. And i said that, and everyone was annoyed by it but he took it really personally. I didnt expect him to take it maturely but i also didnt expect him to act so childish on the manner. The first thing he did was bring down my website. And over the course of the next few days blah blah blah fighting.. Him saying he deleted my website, me getting furious and making a threat which i shouldnt have.. blah blah blah.. And i recently tried to make up with him because Kris and I were really good friends but he still acted the same way. So i really dont care anymore on that.

Anyways...

The rest of Spring break was a bore, right after my spring break was over it was Alleys, she stayed at my house the entire spring break.. Mike, my mom and I had to pick up Alley all the way at naples.. That was a long drive since my mom had a few things to do before we went there and we got lost a few times (Im bad in directions.. REALLY bad.. does anyone not understand this? lol). But when we got there and she got in the car.. She saw my pillow which i (at the time) recently got a brookstone.. It was this little uber pillow with these micro beads in it and it was really cool and soft. She was like "Ohhh for me!?" and later in the carride she tickled me till i said "i promise you can have the pillow" ROWR EVIL!!.

I had a really good time with her as always, i love her!^_^ We didnt do too much.. at all.. The only thing we did was went to the MTV Campus Invasion tour with Mi Robot, Lost Prophets and Hoobastank. We took daniel with us because he needed a ride.. When we got to my house we all played some super smash brothers until we left. At the campus we stayed in Daniels sister dorm, which was cool and we watched chapells show for god knows how long lol. Then we went to the arena for the show. Upon entering we found out something very interesting.. If a ticket says general admission that usually means... GENERAL ADMISSION... ANYWHERE... right? We were mistaken lol.. There were 2 types of tickets.. General Admission and... General Floor (WTF?) and we were basically that.. WTF!?.. Well we went upstairs to the bleechers where we were suppost to be and Daniel said something along the lines of "F this, ill be back". So we sat there waiting for him to come back when we looked on the floor and theres Daniel walking into the crowd... And were basically WTF and LOL at the same time and did the same thing.. They didnt even look at us really because the shirts n stuff were sold at the back of the floor and you were allowed to go on just to buy shirts but people walked into the floor.. The bad thing is.. Since a bunch of people walked on the floor.... IT WAS CRAZY.. A bit too crazy.. Alley was getting crushed so we went back onto the seats where she wouldnt end up dying, i wasnt too happy being down there either.

The show wasnt bad.. Mi Robot sucks, I enjoyed Lost Prophets and i still enjoy Hoobastank.









After the show we dropped Daniel home and ate at Dennys





The rest of the week we didnt do much.. On the way home Alley begged my mom to let me stay home... and... it worked.. WTF.. Why do i get to skip school when Alley asks my mom? Lol i thought it was funny but i got to stay home and there was no school friday so i got a good week with Alley. She went back home Sunday.. I wish she couldve stayed longer but she couldnt.

Since then not much happened... Yesterday we (Jeff, Jake, Jason and I) had a lan and played UT2004 for about 7 hours, we had a lot of fun.









Today i was hoping Cari and Andrea could come over but Andreas boyfriend is having jelousy issues *Shrug* and as for my website.. I have editing to do.. Changing links, so thatll happen over time.

And now random pics! Yey!

Like a ghetto car!


And someone finding a cow made of clay in the spanish class room and me making it into a demon Katie!


My dad said he would get me one of those when he comes back from korea.. If i dont get one ill be sad *cough dad cough* keke~


And heres a pic from Jason

Whao me and alley are on opposite sides~ hehe before we were going out

Well thats all for now.. Later

... ... ...
Ribbit

w/e happened past few days and my plans are fucked over once again.. i have nothing to look forward to.. w/e