So the first reaction to these first few words are probly "OMG AN UPDATE"
The reason for my lack of updating prior to this post is various reasons. Mainly because I was so busy with ROTC things that all I would be writting about is ROTC ROTC ROTC corrie ROTC ROTC ROTC
Except now due to mere seconds that part of my life is over. With all my time and dedication put towards ROTC and my dreams of being an officer is all thrown away. I put pride into wearing my uniform and showed everyone that I was more than a normal student but now im nothing but a normal student.
and not to mention this is a good release
ROTC gave me meaning. And for the first time in my life I worked my ASS off for something that I finally felt I belonged in. I knew it was what I wanted to do with my life and I did everything I could to make sure I could live my dream for once. But yet again because of a few seconds that was all thrown away.
Even some of my friends who were in a great college were just like "wow" with everything I was doing... I mean cmon!! I did 9 weeks of blood, sweat and tears (even puking) to become a member of Arnold Air Society. Contributed a lot to it by being a Canidate Training Assistant for the new canidates, was Public Affairs officer, Went to ARCON twice. Became a member of Honor Guard, Judge Inspector General for Highlander Event, Became technical advisor for Current Ops, Was planning a GLP for AAS for LLAB 8, Did fundraising whenever I could and was involved in MORE. And for this semester I was flight commander (deputy) and did as much as I could for the flight.
Doesnt that mean I was great? Doesnt that mean I was dedicated, that I went outside of my own time to be able to do MORE than I was told or expected. And all for nothing.
I dont know what im going to do. Sure I had a backup plan and I guess im "doing it" which is nothing more than just being an average student. Im outside of the cafe at miami dade and theres tables of tables of people doing whatever. Before today I would look at them and just kind of laugh because a lot of them werent doing half the things I was.
And to be blunt this is fucking bullshit
When I first joined everyone was like "Oh that kid isnt going to make it" "Poor guy" "Scarberry is having a lot of trouble" but now I was one of the best damn cadets! Out of my freshmen class of 20 or so there were only FOUR of us still here and I was damn proud to be one of them.
This isnt fair. I dont even expect things to be fair but I put so much into ROTC that a few seconds on a damn RUN could throw it all away. I ran basically ever night and pushed myself doing it but ive never been athletic and I wasnt magically get the talent of being it.
There were times where I was "Is this all worth it" but the next day when I had to go to my Det. and see all the other hard working cadets working together I knew it was worth it. I knew it was where I belonged. I NEVER had anywhere before where I was like "wow this is where its at.. this is where I belong" but its as if I was given the boot.
Major Mcandrew had to breif me on everything and he was telling me how I improved so much the day I entered ROTC. That he was cheering me on inside (Officers arent allowed to "cheer" on cadets) and when I passed last semester that he was really proud of me. Whenever you let Maj Mac down you feel really bad and I let now only him down but everyone else.
After my last LLAB yesterday I had to go in the office and one of the sergeants gave me that "look" and shook my hand while aksing how I was doing. Been better. Talked to the Lt. Col and there isnt anything I can do. A few seconds just ruined my military career. I never spoke to him before this. He told me I was a great asset to the detachment and whatever else I choose to do in life that he was sure I would succeed. If I cant even succeed in ROTC in which I tried my best in how the hell am I going to succeed at anything else. Can someone tell me that huh
Sure I could try another branch but why.. I wont enlist and I wont join a deck swabbin navy and be stuck on a stupid boat for months.
Corrie is the only thing keeping me going and im not really "going" anywhere.
I failed myself and worse, everyone else.
"So josh what are you doing"
Before it was an entire 10 minutes to explain what I was doing
and now..
school
Im not even a good student. How can my present aspirations be just doing SCHOOL. I have no motivation in school. ROTC was the only motivation for me to take more classes I had to. To take the hard road and not the easy one. To work out and to take pride in a lot of things I do that I never even thought of before.
school
high school did nothing for me.
ROTC changed who I was and who I wanted to be but now im stuck to when I left high school.
Losing ROTC was losing everything I was and hoped to be.
Now i feel like nothing and have no purpose.
When I was asked the question of where I was going to be in 4 years I used to be able to answer it in aheartbeat because I "knew" where I was going to be.. I knew where I was goign to be in 10.. maybe even 20 years and now its all a blank. Everything is up in the air and theres nothing up there.
I wish I could start over or even take the damn test again.
But I cant because I fucked up. My only talent and skill
And tomorrow is my birthday...
I always get a great present like this every year. Its like a time when life gets to stab in the back when I think something great is happening when in reality im going nowhere except just getting older.
20 years... what have I done in these 20 years? Absolutely nothing. I thought I contributed to something but now thats gone it just shows me that I've done absolutely nothing and that those "average" students and people of instead doing less than me are in reality doing and have done more than me. All my work was for nothing.
Personal satisfaction in knowing I can do so much and be an asset to things? No because I was obviously expendable. All my jobs and positions will be easily filled in with someone else.
Im always proven wrong and nobody even needs to do it. I do it to myself.
I dont know what im going to do. The entire reason for me going to UCF was because of ROTC and the hopes of me being with Corrie there. But I try not to even think of that because god knows where Corrie will be accepted and UCF is at the bottom of the list. Without ROTC I dont even know if I will or can go to UCF. Yeah I can still go there but for what. All I be doing is wasting more money for a place for me to stay in up there. I have no reason to go there now.
Now im stuck here. I had a reason to leave and had an opportunity to leave but thats gone.
A few years ago I ahd nothing but the knowledge that I would take a few classes at miami dade. And I got Corrie.. then I discovered ROTC and one of those is gone. If the other is gone ill have nothing.. At all
I would daydream of the future and how great it was going to be but now its all but the opposite.
Its like my destiny to fail and have everything go wrong.. Even when I try my hardest it still goes wrong because my hardest isnt good enough.
Nothings good enough
But when one door opens two more open right?
Lets see
Door closed = ROTC -> Becoming an Air Force Officer -> Being able to have a family if I wanted to -> Able to get any job I wanted with government and computers after my service
Door 1 = Get AA at MDC -> Go to FIU while not being with Corrie and get Comp Sci degree -> Struggle to find a job with those way more qualified than I am.
Door 2 = Go to UCF and waste my parents money probly end up getting loans with the chance of being with corrie and not being with her -> Struggle to find a job with those way more qualified than I am.
Oh wow those 2 doors are great lemme tell ya.
